Tired of Feeling Guilty

Eating Too Much

It started as a child.  I would sneak snacks out of my parents cupboard all the time.  I can even recall at one point, my Dad found an empty chip bag sandwiched between the couch cushions in the basement.

Food guilt.

Okay, maybe when I was younger it wasn't so much feeling guilty about what I ate but rather feeling guilty that I got caught having things I knew I wasn't supposed to be eating without asking.

Now, as an adult, I find myself feeling guilty when I eat things that I know are not constructive towards my healthy eating journey and towards my journey of craving God more than I crave food.

Have you experienced it?  That gnawing sense of guilt that we feel after we have reached for that tub of ice cream after the end of a stressful day?  Or after you have sat and watched a movie and, without even realizing it, have polished off an entire bag of chips?

Do you ever wonder what it is that is making you feel that way?

According to Well and Good NYC's article When Food Makes You Feel Bad About Yourself, "post-dining guilt can be seriously damaging to your psyche."

I agree.  However, not for the same reasoning that the article does.

I think that the guilt we are facing after we binge eat or make unhealthy food choices comes from within our heart.  It is the guilt that we feel when we realize that we have turned to food instead of turning to God when we have had a bad or stressful day.

We have to consider what it is that causes us to binge eat or make unhealthy food choices to begin with.

When it comes to "dieting" most of us deny our bodies things that it actually needs.  By doing this, we in turn start to turn to "pleasure foods" or foods that we know are not what our bodies need but rather what our body craves.  This usually relates to sugary goodies.

It is these foods that make us feel less than satisfied and in turn, make us feel guilty about ourselves.

So what do we do?  How do we balance out eating sensibly and healthy and not giving into our cravings?

First, and most important, is to pray.  We need to remember that none of this would be possible without God.  I know that I mention this each time I write.  However, it truly has been the only thing that has kept me going lately.  Without God I would have given up this journey a long time ago and I would not be where I am now.

Secondly, we need to listen to our bodies.  This may mean allowing yourself to have a tiny treat every once in awhile.  If this is what you need in order to refrain from binge eating and feeling guilty about your choices then go ahead!  What works for one person with respect to their journey will not always work for you!

Lastly, turn to friends and family who can help you continue with your journey.  Have an accountability partner; someone that you can talk to at the end of each week about how things have been going and the choices that you have made.

And don't be afraid to have that piece of chocolate at your next family function.  We don't need to be ashamed of having a treat every now and then.  We are, after all, allowed to treat ourselves occasionally too!

Dear friends, I urge you to bring all of your struggles before God when it comes to your journey to crave Him more.  If you can feel the stress rising and know that this is a trigger to your unhealthy eating habits, come before God on bended knee and lay it all before the cross.  You may just find yourself feeling satisfied without having to reach for that tub of Chocolate Fudge Crackle Ice Cream.

I Long to be Closer

It would be so nice to be able to sit down and write to you all and say that I was faithful to my eating plans this week and not once did I waiver off of my diet.

That would be WAY off the mark!

There will be no denial here!  I will be honest with each and everyone of you in hopes that you too will be honest with yourself and with others that are holding you accountable.

Yet even though I wavered, I can be honest and say that may waivers were more like a slip off the road and not a huge tumble!  For this I will be joyful and I will give THANKS!

As some of you may know, I have been doing the South Beach Diet and it has been providing me with some good results.  Okay, I will be honest, AMAZING results considering the 21 days that I had gone without even dropping a single, lonely, solitary pound!

Unfortunately I hit a rough patch about mid week though.  I am not entirely sure what was causing it nor am I convinced that it wasn't a tactic from Satan trying to deter me from everything that I had been and WILL continue to do.

I just had one of those days where, from the moment I stepped out of bed, my heart was heavy and burdened. I am an extreme emotional eater and find that in cases like that I turn almost automatically towards food.  It is like a place of solitude for me.  Well, at least it had been before.

I found that this time, though, I spent in prayer before God.  I asked for many things that day:  clarity, understanding, power, courage and even satisfaction.

I cried . . . I pleaded . . . I begged.

And God provided.  Those temptations to eat were replaced with a heart that was earnestly seeking to Praise Him.  The temptations to binge on foods that I know I would regret in the morning were filled with a longing to want to be closer to my Heavenly Father.

I will admit that I had a tiny, little handful of Teddy Grahams.  I know that it probably was not the best snack to choose.  However, in the end I did not sit with an entire bag of Teddy Grahams in front of me and I most certainly did not go back for a second handful.

So for that I am joyful!

It has been and will continue to be a long, never ending journey for me.  It is not like I am going to reach what I hope will be my goal weight and say that I will no longer battle with food addictions and temptations. Yet I know that through our Heavenly Father, he will give me the strength that I need to continue on.  It is only through HIM that all of this has been possible.

As I write to you today, I am currently down 6 lbs and I am that much closer to my goal of being a healthier version of me.  I hope that God will continue to grant me a life much bigger than anything I could have ever anticipated.  It is my hope that "HE is not finished with me yet!"

What are some of your successes this week?  I would absolutely love to hear them!

Discouragement In The Form of a Number

There are mornings where I wake up and just feel completely and utterly defeated.  I know that this journey is not only about the numbers on the scale.  I know that it is not only about how I look outside, but also about how I feel inside.  I know that it is about my walk with God and not just about my weight loss journey.

Unfortunately, though, I still want the scale to reflect the work and the effort that I have been putting into all of this.

I find that as I work hard to achieve a healthy weight and a healthy lifestyle there are many factors that get in the way of that.  You see, I am someone who becomes easily discouraged with myself.  I beat myself down for eating the wrong things and I become increasingly frustrated with the weigh scale.

This morning, as I stepped on the scale I was utterly shocked to see the numbers GO UP!  It was increasingly frustrating and all I wanted to do was crawl back into bed and cry.  It is discouraging to see numbers rise when you want them to fall.

Since going back to bed was not an option I did the only other thing that I could think of to do.  I prayed.

This time around I don't want to give up.  I don't want to become so discouraged that I resort back to binge eating and filling myself up with unhealthy choices.  This time around I want to fill myself up with the Holy Spirit and know that God is in control.

So today I will turn to God rather then turn inwards.  Today I will make the choice to continue to let God be my guide and know that His hands are holding me as I take this journey.  Today I will strive to crave God more than the unhealthy choices that will inevitably face me throughout the day.

Will you make that choice too?  Will you tell yourself that today is the day that I put God first?  Will you remind yourself that even though things can become discouraging and frustrating, God wants you to bring your struggles to Him, on bended knee, in earnest prayer?

I WILL!

I Will Pray

I apologize for the lack of blog posts lately.  I was away on vacation with my family and then have been adjusting to my little girl being in Grade 1 this year.

I have to admit, I am feeling extremely discouraged right now.  Things seem to keep popping up that raise my stress levels and cause me to want to binge eat and then hide in a corner.

It seems like when things just start to pick up and get better, something else is thrown my way that brings me back down again.  It is extremely frustrating.

Have you ever had those times when you finally feel like you are getting ahead of the game?  Where you feel like you are finally "taking the bull by the horns" and making progress and putting the right foot in front, only to find yourself being knocked down again and again and again?  That is how I am feeling right now.

Don't get me wrong, I know that I am the one to blame and I know that I cannot point fingers at anyone other  than myself, but boy do I wish I could!  I wish I could turn around and blame it on all the stress factors that have risen up as of late.  I wish I could point the finger of blame on Satan and say "Stop tempting me!"  Sadly, though, it is not going to do anybody any good if I do that.

After returning from holidays I had honestly anticipated a small weight gain.  Nothing major, but some minor weight gain just due to the fact that you eat out a couple of times and the like.  I did not expect, after being away for a week, to come home and see the scale tell me that I had gained 10 pounds on my holidays!

If there was ever a time where I wanted to pick up my scale and throw it across the house, this was it.  I will admit, I cried.  Gut wrenching sobs.  It hurt.  I felt truly and utterly defeated.  I honestly felt like throwing in the towel.

After I managed to calm myself down I tried to think about some of the things that stood out to me about why this happened and one major thing screamed at me from deep within my heart.  I was not praying.  Simple as that.  I stopped asking God to help me make healthier choices and to help me overcome the temptations that I was facing.  I forgot to put Him first.

I feel foolish.  Here I sit writing a blog that says that you need to bring it all before our Heavenly Father and I was flat out avoiding doing just that.

I have hit a valley.  A low point where I need to pick myself back up and continue on that climb to the top.  I will not let this defeat me.

I will pray.

I've Got That Empty Feeling

An empty bottomless pit feeling.  It's not fun.

I like to think that the only thing empty is my stomach, but if I am being honest with myself then I know that this is not the case.  My body may be obese, but my spirituality is facing a period of starvation.

One thing I am coming to understand through Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeurst is that I have spent many years of my life trying to find satisfaction and gratification in food.  I was trying to be filled up physically while not concentrating on being filled up spiritually.

Let me clarify something.  When I say that my stomach is empty I am not meaning literally.  Right now the empty feeling is not because I have not eaten, but rather because I am eating the correct portion sizes of food and I am still hungry.  Over eating for as many years as I have causes the stomach to stretch and I am now in the process of trying to "shrink" it.  It may not be the most enjoyable process ever, but at least I know that I am making healthy choices.  As I type this I just finished eating some almonds and an apple for my afternoon snack.  My stomach?  Still hungry!

It is interesting to consider that although I did just eat a snack and know that it was fulfilling, I am feeling like I am lacking something.  The truth is, with respect to food there is nothing lacking.  My body is just screaming at me, begging me to fill it with some kind of sugary goodness that I am sure is lurking in one of my kitchen cupboards.  I will not give in.

I always thought that praying and talking to God about my weight was, in a way, being vain.  I never thought that I really should give it all over to him.  To be honest, I thought it foolish.  Yet today I have found myself deeper in prayer then I have been in the last few weeks.  I have found myself talking to God more and trying to find my strength through Him.  I have found myself, quite literally, on my knees.

I want this journey to not only be a physical journey, but also a spiritual one.  I look forward to my increasing talks with God and to the times that He will bring me to my knees.  I know that I have a long way to go, but I am taking them one tiny little step at a time.