Self-Esteem: Do you Ever Feel Like You are Breaking the Mirror?

The above picture is of Brooke from an episode of One Tree Hill

If there is one thing I struggle with as much as my weight issues it is self-esteem.  I am very critical of how I see myself and am very concerned with how others see me.

Take a moment to close your eyes and draw up a mental picture of yourself.  Who are you as a person in your mind?  What do you look like?  What are your good at?  What are your weaknesses?

Is this mental picture of yourself an accurate depiction of who you are as a person?  Or are you easily critical and over emphasis your "flaws"?

Did you know that we develop our self-image starting from a very young age?  We begin to base our self-image in life experiences and interactions we have with other people.  This self-image, or mental picture, is what contributes to our self-esteem (see "How Can I Improve My Self-Esteem").

The Dove Real Truth About Beauty research found that by the age of 14 more than half (55%) of Canadian girls already feel pressure to be beautiful.  By the time they are 29, this number increases to 96%.  After the age of 14, girls increasingly become their own worst beauty critic.  While only 10% of girls 10-14 put pressure on themselves to be beautiful, this number climbs to 59% of women 18-16 (taken from "Surprising Self Esteem Statistics").

These numbers are scary to me.  Being a Mom of two young girls I see these numbers and cringe.  It is one of the reasons that I constantly remind my girls that they are beautiful.

Yet it is so easy for me to say this to my girls but increasingly harder for me to believe it myself.  

If there is one thing that I dread more than the numbers on the scale, it is standing in front of a mirror naked.  Let me introduce you to my mind as I stand there:

Look at yourself.  How could your husband possibly be attracted to you in that way.  Look at your stretch marks.  Their hideous.  And have you seen your stomach lately?  Nothing but loose, jiggly skin.  I don't even want to start talking about your posterior.  Seriously, Laura.  You need to do something about this.  How can you stand yourself?

Harsh isn't it?  Yet for me, this is my cruel reality.  

It is only through prayer and petition to God that I am able to slowly begin to focus on something more than my outer appearance.

The Bible talks a lot about self-esteem and appearance.

1 Samuel 16 vs 7 says "But the Lord said to Samuel, 'Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks at the outward appearance but the Lord looks on the heart.' "

Song of Solomon 4 vs 7 says "You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you."

Psalm 139 vs 13 to 14 says "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Wonderful are your works, my soul knows it very well."

Lastly, one of the most important verses, in my opinion, when it comes to self-esteem issues:

Genesis 1 vs 27 says "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them."

We are created in His image.  How then can I see myself in the manner that I do?  

There is only one answer for that one.  It is Satan's way of drawing us away from having that close and deep loving relationship with our heavenly father.

Dear Friends, if low self-esteem is something that you struggle with please know that you are not alone.  Write on your hearts the above passages and know that we have a loving heavenly Father who wants us to see ourselves as He sees us. 

One who is created in His image; one who is fearfully and wonderfully made.

I Am A Work In Progress

It struck me this morning, as I was getting dressed for the day, how much of our values are placed in our appearance.

I have always dreaded getting dressed.  Dressing up for a fancy occasion?  Well, it is filled with anxiety, dread, fear and multiple outfit changes to find the exact one that will not show my "mommy pouch."

Why do we, as women, think that people are going to judge us and who we are inside by what we wear outside?  Will it make me a nicer person if I wore dress pants and blouses to work instead of my usual comfy pants and a shirt?

Well, the answer is an obvious No.  However, I will be treated differently by the way that I am dressed.

Don't get me wrong, I do not think it is appropriate to wear sweatpants and baggy shirts to the office when you are meeting with clients.  However, I work in a field that causes me to get messy and be hands on.  Wearing expensive clothes is not an option (in more ways than one!).

So why is it that I feel the need to work myself into a frenzy when it is time to put on a mere pair of jeans?  Why does the thought of someone being able to see my stomach rolls make me want to hide away from the world?

To be honest, it seems like such a petty concern when their are bigger things to be worried about.  I feel like someone should be slapping me on my wrist or pouring a glass of cold water over my head and say "Snap out of it Laura!"

A very good friend of mine, whom I love dearly, put it this way.

When you have been extremely overweight, it doesn't matter how hard you try, it is so hard to see yourself as something other than obese.

Wow......

That sounds exactly. like. me.

Crazy, I know.  Yet when I look in the mirror I still see this big belly with rolls and fat and that darn muffin top spilling over the top of my jeans.  Let's not even begin to talk about the stretch marks!

I struggle with this . . . . DAILY!  My prayers often include the words "let me see myself for the beautiful woman that you created."

Yet I wonder.  Is this vanity talking?  Do I really need to have the approval from others for how I look?  Should I not be more concerned about how I look to my Heavenly Father?  And not only how I look on the outside, but how my heart and soul look to Him?

Why, then, do I burden myself with such craziness?  I have yet to find an answer to this.

All I can say is this.  I am a work in progress and I hope and pray that God is not finished with me yet!  I still have some spiritual growing to do!

Hide! I See A Camera!

Do you ever have one of those moments where you think that you are doing very well and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, you see a picture of yourself that makes you want to hide under the covers in your bed and never come out?

I had one of those days.  I will admit, I have been doing very well with my eating and not giving into temptation and making healthy choices.  I have been praying as the temptations arise and have found myself breaking down my mountain.

Then it hit me.  A picture of myself wearing shorts and a tank top.  A video of me performing on stage at our church for our local children's camp.  I was mortified by what I saw.  A stomach that jiggled with every step I took and my shorts looking like if I bent over the wrong one I just might bust a button, or, even worse, a seam!

It is times like this that make me want to dig a little deeper and work harder.  Yet when I fail it makes me feel even worse.  I like to think when I leave the house in the morning that I look good.  What a let down that can be sometimes!

The best part is, I am finally down two pounds!  All that singing and dancing and biking is paying off!  However, I am still embarrassed by how I look.

My husband once asked me why I wore sweatpants and Yoga pants all the time and it was so hard for me to admit that putting on jeans made me want to cry.  I felt better wearing baggier clothes because I felt that maybe, just maybe, it would help hide that protruding belly or that major Muffin top that always showed.

I want desperately to see myself as beautiful no matter what my size is.  I know that the time will come where I can see myself as others see me.  I will admit, though, that the day I am speaking of seems so far away.

Thank you for taking this journey with me.  I have received some wonderful comments on my Facebook page from so many of you that either going through the same struggles or who just want to be supportive and I want to thank all of you.

We will make it through this journey together.  There will be mountains and there will be valleys with each and every step we take, but together I know that we can get through them.

So my prayer is this:  "Dear Lord:  Please help me to see myself as the beautiful and wonderfully complex woman that you made me to be.  Help my inner beauty outshine my outer appearance.  Help me to be a woman after your own heart.  Strengthen me as I resist temptations to food and help me break down my idols.  Lord I want to break down the mountain and build a pathway that leads directly to you.  With your help and your strength I know that I can do this.  Thank you for being there for me to fill me up with spiritual nourishment.  In your name I pray, Amen."