Self-Esteem: Do you Ever Feel Like You are Breaking the Mirror?

The above picture is of Brooke from an episode of One Tree Hill

If there is one thing I struggle with as much as my weight issues it is self-esteem.  I am very critical of how I see myself and am very concerned with how others see me.

Take a moment to close your eyes and draw up a mental picture of yourself.  Who are you as a person in your mind?  What do you look like?  What are your good at?  What are your weaknesses?

Is this mental picture of yourself an accurate depiction of who you are as a person?  Or are you easily critical and over emphasis your "flaws"?

Did you know that we develop our self-image starting from a very young age?  We begin to base our self-image in life experiences and interactions we have with other people.  This self-image, or mental picture, is what contributes to our self-esteem (see "How Can I Improve My Self-Esteem").

The Dove Real Truth About Beauty research found that by the age of 14 more than half (55%) of Canadian girls already feel pressure to be beautiful.  By the time they are 29, this number increases to 96%.  After the age of 14, girls increasingly become their own worst beauty critic.  While only 10% of girls 10-14 put pressure on themselves to be beautiful, this number climbs to 59% of women 18-16 (taken from "Surprising Self Esteem Statistics").

These numbers are scary to me.  Being a Mom of two young girls I see these numbers and cringe.  It is one of the reasons that I constantly remind my girls that they are beautiful.

Yet it is so easy for me to say this to my girls but increasingly harder for me to believe it myself.  

If there is one thing that I dread more than the numbers on the scale, it is standing in front of a mirror naked.  Let me introduce you to my mind as I stand there:

Look at yourself.  How could your husband possibly be attracted to you in that way.  Look at your stretch marks.  Their hideous.  And have you seen your stomach lately?  Nothing but loose, jiggly skin.  I don't even want to start talking about your posterior.  Seriously, Laura.  You need to do something about this.  How can you stand yourself?

Harsh isn't it?  Yet for me, this is my cruel reality.  

It is only through prayer and petition to God that I am able to slowly begin to focus on something more than my outer appearance.

The Bible talks a lot about self-esteem and appearance.

1 Samuel 16 vs 7 says "But the Lord said to Samuel, 'Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks at the outward appearance but the Lord looks on the heart.' "

Song of Solomon 4 vs 7 says "You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you."

Psalm 139 vs 13 to 14 says "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Wonderful are your works, my soul knows it very well."

Lastly, one of the most important verses, in my opinion, when it comes to self-esteem issues:

Genesis 1 vs 27 says "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them."

We are created in His image.  How then can I see myself in the manner that I do?  

There is only one answer for that one.  It is Satan's way of drawing us away from having that close and deep loving relationship with our heavenly father.

Dear Friends, if low self-esteem is something that you struggle with please know that you are not alone.  Write on your hearts the above passages and know that we have a loving heavenly Father who wants us to see ourselves as He sees us. 

One who is created in His image; one who is fearfully and wonderfully made.

Knee Deep in Doctor's Orders

We have a diagnosis.  A horrible, unfortunate and displeasing diagnosis.  Well, at least to me anyway.

Sunday evening I went to the hospital to have x-rays on my right knee and it turns out that I have strained or aggravated the ligaments surrounding my right knee.  Along with this I also have fluid under my knee cap.  The good thing, according to the Doctor anyway, is that I do not have a stress fracture in my knee which is what he was concerned about.

So here is what the Doctor prescribed - since it could take 2 to 4 weeks for my knee to heal (as is common with this type of injury) I have been instructed to ice my knee for 10 to 15 minutes every hour and I am on restricted activity.  This means, no running.  No biking.  No walking.  Nadda.  Zip.  Zero.

I am bummed.

Don't get me wrong.  I completely understand why the Doctor has prescribed me rest and icing but it definitely sucks.  I dislike being told to sit around and do nothing.

Unless, of course, the day is like today!  The weather was absolutely beautiful today.  The sun was shinning and I was able to just lay outside on a blanket while the girls played all around me.  I cannot complain when the day is like that.

Still, as I think ahead to the next couple of weeks I am filled with a sense of dread.  It is so hard for me to think about the fact that I am unable to run for the next several weeks.  Not only that, but I am really limited in what I can do.

I know that I need to listen to the doctor if I expect my knee to feel better soon and I will be a good patient and I will listen, but I doubt that I will have a happy heart about the whole thing!

I never thought that I would reach this point in my life.  Since I have been married I have never really been on to enjoy physical exercise.  Maybe it had to do with the fact that I was getting used to being a married woman or maybe it had to do with the fact that I found out I was pregnant not long after Jason and I were married.  Whatever it was, I enjoyed being able to sit down at night and not have to focus on living an active lifestyle.

I am finally at the point where being active has become enjoyable.  The lady that did the x-rays on my knee said that she had never seen a person running with a smile on their face.  The second x-ray technician hit the nail on the head when she replied "Yeah, but we always finish off our run with a smile and feeling empowered!"  She was so right!

Now that I have to sit down and be still I am itching to be lacing up my shoes and hitting the pavement.  My heart is aching for time with just me and the road and the sound of the rhythm of my feet on the pavement.

Dear Friends, I hope that you do not mind that I ask you all for prayer.  These next few weeks are going to be a struggle for me not being able to exercise.  It is at times like this when I struggle with eating and I start to turn back to my old ways.  I do not want that any more.  So, Dear Friends, I ask for your prayers as I try to learn what God is asking of me in the next couple of weeks.  I ask that you pray that I will remain strong to my goals and that I will not let my resolve falter.

I will take this time to continue to come before God and ask that He makes his paths known to me.  I will do my best to quiet my heart and allow him to speak to me and to continue to grow my faith.

Dear Friends, with your help I can make it through these next few weeks.  I thank you in advance for your prayers.

Emotional Roller Coasters

My friends, let me tell you that these last few weeks have been some of the most emotional weeks I have had to endure.  We have gone through some changes this past week and my emotions have been on a very wild roller coaster because of it.

Emotions are a hard thing for me to handle.  It is not like I am a woman who sees crying as weak, because I don't!  I believe that it is important to let your emotions show when the time is right.  It is okay to cry in the comfort of someone you love or to be angry (as long as your anger is controlled) or, best of all, to be happy and excited!  Yet for me, emotional roller coasters trigger something in my mind and body that makes it seem like it is okay to eat.  It is okay to reach for those "comfort foods" and it is okay to indulge in things that I know are not okay for me.

I will admit, it was comforting to eat whatever I wanted and when I wanted . . . . at the time.  Yet here I sit finding no comfort in the guilt that I am feeling or in the way my clothes are fitting.

The worst part about it all, is the fact that when you eat "comfort foods" your body tends to turn around and want those all the time.  It doesn't matter how much you try and push them away, all your body can do is crazy those foods that you have allowed yourself to indulge in for a period of time.  And let me tell you first hand, those cravings SUCK!

Trying to turn emotional eating into a healthy eating habit has been one of the hardest steps in my mountain that I am having to face.  I have been an emotional eater for quite some time and I have a feeling that it will be the one thing that Satan will throw at me again and again to make me feel off the path that I am trying to build.

I must admit, I find myself becoming easily discouraged at this point in my life.  I have said to my husband that I feel like once I am finally starting to walk with one foot in front of the other there is something that comes along that knocks me back down.

Yet I am not here for a pity party.  I am not here to write to have you all say "Poor Laura!"  The point of my writing is to be a sounding board for those of you that could possibly be going through the same things I am.  I write because I enjoy it.  I write because it is a release for me.  I write because when I am distracted with writing to each and every one of you, my mind is off of food and focused on something more powerful then the hold that food has over me.

Please understand that my life is not a complicated one.  It is just a life where I can faithfully admit that I have a problem.  Like most problems it is not going to go away in the blink of an eye.  I can't snap my fingers and be the perfect, size 8, woman that I dream to be.  I can, however, walk hand in hand with my heavenly Father as I go through my struggles and know that, despite my shortcomings and despite my earthly tumbles, he loves me more then even I can fathom.

Take heart, dear friends.  We are not making this journey alone.  We have the strength of a Father who carries us when we stumble.  We have the power of a loving God who wants us to succeed and who wants us to have a life fulfilled in Him.