Okay, I will be honest, I have to be on here otherwise this whole blog will be pointless. I have not been good the past couple of days. I have allowed my emotions to take control of me and have found myself eating foods that I know I should be avoiding. Instead of bring myself humbly before God, asking for his strength to help me pass these cravings, I have given in and let food satisfy me again.
I am not going to lie and say that this journey is easy. Pardon the pun, but sugar coating things never did anybody any good. So here I sit, hanging my head in shame as I admit to what I have done.
The guilt is terrible. Knowing now that I have not only let myself down but have let my readers down too. It makes me feel awful.
I don't want to be fake though. I don't want to wake up in the morning and say that I have done nothing wrong and that I can start over again. I don't want to start over! I want to be able to continue strong on this journey that I have started. I want to be able to come here and tell you that I did it! I overcame my "wants" and my temptations! Yet right now I feel like I have put back some of those bricks that I had removed from my mountain. My road became shorter in the last few days.
Over the next few days I know that the "want" to eat unhealthy foods is going to be excruciatingly difficult to overcome. My life is shaping up to be extremely busy and full of difficulties at the moment and it is at this point that I reach for comfort foods.
Ruth Graham, in her book Fear Not Tomorrow, God is Already There, says:
Either we can be victimized and become victims, or we can be victimized and rise above it. Often it is easier to play the victim then take off our masks and ask for help. We get comfortable with our victim status. It becomes our identity and is hard to give up. The Israelites often played the victim card, and I love what God finally tells them, "You have circled this mountain long enough. Now turn north" (Detueronomy 2:3 [NASB]).
Turn North! It's time to move on! Self-pity, fear, pride, and negativity paralyze us. Take off our masks takes courage, but if we don't do it, we will remain in our victim status and end up stunted.
How incredible! Turn North! That is what I want to do! I am sick of circling the mountain! I am sick of feeling victimized by my weight and unhealthy eating patterns.
I know I can stop these unhealthy circling patterns by coming before God in prayer. Yet I feel awkward at times praying about food. I mean, here we sit being able to eat all different kinds of delicious, stomach satisfying foods while that are countless others who do not have any kind of food to eat. Should my focus not be on them and their lack rather then me and my lack of "want"? It seems so petty at times.
Yet I know that if I am to truly overcome my food idols I need to come humbly on my knees. No more being filled up with foods that are only going to let me down the next morning. I am going to be filled up with and satisfied with the love of God.
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